There are two dreams in life, one in sleep and one we live.
Joined: Feb 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 236 Location: South Australia Karma: 18
Re: Disposable Relationships « Reply #10 on Jan 19, 2009, 7:13pm »
WoW what brilliant responses
I didn't respond to your initial reply to this Ali as I wanted to see if we would have other responses. A big welcome back TFY thought we had lost you LOL. TFY you seem to have got it as well.
In fairness though I will answer your post Ali, as this is the issue that I have issue with, the confusion that you emanated, though your last post does explain it, though I am not sure if you realise it; I don't mean that derogatorily.
Now the question is, is how do I explain?
When in school we have many words to learn and we turn to a dictionary for its meaning, we even turn to a thesaurus for other words of explanation in fact the thesaurus entry gives us in our own language for Love :
Main Entry: love Part of Speech: noun Definition: adoration; very strong liking
Despite knowing all this we still do not have a value for the word because all those words above are different in value and it is this value we take on gut feelings and hence we use boundaries to accommodate this.
When we look at the Greek translations it divides all these words into their respective categories being Agape, Storge, Eros and Philia .
So in a sense we run blind in love and maybe the root of the saying. So much is left to intuition, so much is left trying to understand your partners or friends motive or actions.
The word love in our language is all encompassing and has nothing to segregate the differing aspects and levels and comes about by actions more than understanding, hence why I said we accuse of trying to understand when acceptance is the way to go. I know this is in a sense is conflicting.
To try and put a point in action, reading Freckles post and our subsequent responses brought to mind another word from the Greek on this level. Though we can not see it, our actions on on-line dating is Narcissistic. This to may seem a bit strong, but we have to realise until we actually meet the person, we see our own ideals in that person; body language however on a meet soon destroys that or confirms as the case maybe LOL.
So I hope my clear as mud explanation explains what I meant by understanding and accepting. To understand is a wrong judgement as it is an opinion, by accepting we come to know (though instinctively) what level of love our partner is displaying and at what point that acceptance either fits with, or does not fit with our own feelings and expression; which as you said Ali are boundaries.
Hehe now I am confusing myself LOL, no seriously I hope this explains what I was trying to say.
Joined: Nov 2006 Gender: Female Posts: 1,718 Location: Eastern US Karma: 44
Re: Disposable Relationships « Reply #11 on Jan 22, 2009, 1:57pm »
Thank you Paul. I'm absorbing lol
I do see what you mean about Narcissistic. At least I think I do lol If I'm correct you are saying that we have preconceived ideas about people and have our ideals preset about them before meeting in person. I do believe this is often true, but I also believe some things surface about a person that we should be aware of and it's probably not best to meet them in person.
I have my pet peeves about certain things that transpire in meeting people online. For example, if a man starts talking about sex first thing, I doubt I'd ever meet him in person. I would 'assume' his focus is on sex more than anything else. Now this may be true if I met him in person and maybe it wouldn't be true. But, in my experience, these things eventually come out in a person even if they hide them on the first meeting.
Another pet peeve (aka warning sign lol) would be a man that talked endlessly about his ex. That, to me, would indicate he is still emotionally attached to his ex. Would I want to meet him? Probably not if I were looking for a serious relationship.
So, I believe there's a fine line between being narcissistic and being cautious lol
On the other hand...I may be totally misinterpreting what you were saying lol
There are two dreams in life, one in sleep and one we live.
Joined: Feb 2008 Gender: Male Posts: 236 Location: South Australia Karma: 18
Re: Disposable Relationships « Reply #12 on Jan 24, 2009, 2:22am »
I feel we are on the same wave length Ali. As I said earlier it is difficult to sometimes get a feeling over in a few short words. It does lead for misinterpretation sometimes.
I liked your explanation about Narcissism, I did mean Narcissism as an unconscious reaction; because as you pointed out there are other variables with on-line dating that have to be considered.
I have a good forum friend on another site, she was suckered in like this, had her house packed and ready to move to another state and was right up to the eleventh hour, when one phone call he made to her rang alarm bells. Turned out the guy was a psycopath and ended up with the Police arresting him. However despite changing her email and identity on forums the bugga had her mapped and led her a merry dance for nearly a year.
Joined: Aug 2008 Gender: Female Posts: 39 Karma: 11
Re: Disposable Relationships « Reply #13 on Jan 25, 2009, 2:35pm »
Ali, you could never possibly offend me! The fact is, I agree with what you are saying. If you and I were friends and I came on to you knowing that you are straight, that would be very wrong....not to mention how much it would get me in trouble with my partner! LOL! But, if you couldn't even consider me as a friend BECAUSE I am gay, or worse yet, decided it was your place to tell me that I'm disgusting and going to hell, that would be very wrong too.
What I was using the gay example as was simply to say that some in our society have become so determined to be right and to have the world conform to their beliefs, that we seem to have lost the ability to peacefully coexist. I've had neighbors in the past who lead very different lives than me or who engage in activities that I don't think are right. But, we were civil, even friendly, as neighbors and were able to coexist. I don't have to agree with or even accept their choices, but if I want to live peacefully across the street from them, I do have to accept the fact of their choices. Does that make sense? (My brain is a bit muddled from a late night of ChaCha last night to get to my magic 200! LOL)
But, I do think the greatest tragedy is in our families. There have always been ideology and communication difficulties in our larger society (although I do think they are worse than ever these days). But, when communication, acceptance and unconditional love break down in our immediate families, that is really sad. As you know, my partner is on the road for about 3 weeks at a stretch.....her dog gets to spend more time with her than I do! But, we talk on the phone usually for several hours a day. Even though she's not home, I'll bet we talk more than some people who wake up and go to sleep next to each other every day. What's really sad is that it doesn't take that much effort to spend some time with the people you are supposed to love the most. But, with the pressure of jobs, access to mindless technology like television and video games, and the impersonal world of the internet, it's too easy to not make the effort and, over time, to lose touch with those closest to us.
BTW, if we ever were to meet in person, I'm sure you'd just love me! . . . . and I promise I would never hit on you . . . LOL!
I don't have to agree with or even accept their choices, but if I want to live peacefully across the street from them, I do have to accept the fact of their choices. Does that make sense? (My brain is a bit muddled from a late night of ChaCha last night to get to my magic 200! LOL)
As you know, my partner is on the road for about 3 weeks at a stretch.....her dog gets to spend more time with her than I do! But, we talk on the phone usually for several hours a day. Even though she's not home, I'll bet we talk more than some people who wake up and go to sleep next to each other every day. What's really sad is that it doesn't take that much effort to spend some time with the people you are supposed to love the most. But, with the pressure of jobs, access to mindless technology like television and video games, and the impersonal world of the internet, it's too easy to not make the effort and, over time, to lose touch with those closest to us.
BTW, if we ever were to meet in person, I'm sure you'd just love me! . . . . and I promise I would never hit on you . . . LOL!
Later!
I totally agree. I have my own beliefs and will not change them to conform to what I don't accept for 'myself'. There are certain behaviors and lifestyles that I will never accept as 'right'. But, at the same time, I want to live peacefully among others. Sometimes we have to set boundaries when we are around certain people. For example, I have people in my life that I love dearly, but you better bet I'll hide my money when they step into my home lol They aren't terrible people, but they have issues - mostly from growing up in a bad environment and doing what it took to survive. When my children were teenagers, a lot of their friends passed through my home. Most called me 'Mom'. They showed much gratitude toward me, yet they would steal in a heart beat. That isn't right, but I didn't hate them. I'm just cautious lol
Oh ChaCha can certainly get one's brain muddled! Trying to get top guide with the 'magic' lol I imagine muddles the brain even more. So many changes lol
My ex and I also used to spend hours on the phone while he was on the road (truck driver). We always said that we probably talked more in a month than most married couples do in 10 years lol There are ways to stay in touch and it doesn't take tremendous effort. I believe people tend to stay in touch mostly when they have a need, more so than trying to nurture relationships.
Thank you for not hitting on me lol But, that's a good example of what I mean about a 'behavior' that would cause me to distance myself from a person as opposed to their lifestyle. It would be the same with anyone and any objectionable behavior - man, woman, gay, straight - whatever.
Which brings up an incident in my neighborhood years ago. I live in a predominantly white community. There was a house for sale nearby. A black man and a white woman bought it. Oh boy, one of my neighbors was threatening to shoot them before they even moved in. He talked very harshly about them before ever getting to know them. Windows were even shot out in the home before the couple moved in. I have no idea who did that and I don't think it was my neighbor lol But, these people did not deserve that kind of treatment. The couple was very involved in their children's school. They didn't make any trouble in the neighborhood. Some people were prejudice against them before even seeing them face-to-face.
Now had this couple and their children caused trouble, I would have had a problem with them, not because they were of mixed races, but because of their behavior.
It's hard enough to live in today's world much less add more trouble to it for no good reason lol
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thought we had lost you LOL. TFY you seem to have got it as well.
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